Friendship(s)

I'm working on removing those parentheses.

I've had friendly relationships, fun relationships, spiritual kinships, and general acquaintances....I've only ever had one friend though.  I didn't even know what I'd been missing out on until that friendship developed.  My B is the best.  She's sweet and funny and clever and brilliant and kind. She's devoted to God and her husband and her children and her family. She sets a WONDERFUL example for me.  She loves my husband and my daughter and even my extended family as if they were her own.   She thinks my stories are way funnier than they really are, and she's the best listener I've ever known.  So good that I have to pause long enough to let her interject, should she so desire.  

I marvel at our friendship.  It's like a work of art to me.  It's beautiful... the picture in my head and heart and refrigerator of our families in community together is a beautiful sight.  It's complex... we've been through some serious earthly trials together, trials that have shaped us and sometimes even set a new course for us.  It's surprising... it's not as though we have loads of things in common.  The most important similarities we share are our devotion to our faith and our families, but even in the way we serve God and our loved ones we differ dramatically.  It's dynamic... each time I sit down and take a good look at my relationship with B I see something new that I never noticed before.  I'm still not sure whether it's the friendship that is changing or just my perspective.

Living away from B and her crew has left a giant hole in my heart.  I'm not a fool... I realize we have phones, computers, photos, etc. But that's no consolation to me because the last 3+ years our lives were knit together in a way that technology can't duplicate.  We moved to Indy 10 months ago and before tonight I had not made a single attempt to make a new friend.

Tonight I started a short Bible study class with 15 other women from our new church on "Spiritual Friendships".  I want to get into the Word and hear what God has to say to me on this matter.  I know one thing for certain... I can't go back to having shallow "friendships".  It's either real friends or no friends. 

I know I'm called to serve God each and every day. What if he wants to me serve through friendship?  It's tempting to avoid this and chalk it up to a misdirected sense of loyalty, but I can feel God tugging my heart in a different direction.  I say I have faith in Him and will follow Him anywhere (how else would I have ended up in Indiana?!), but I have fought Him big time on this.  While my mouth was proclaiming Faith, my heart was proclaiming Fear and Defiance..."Okay God, I'll trust you to guide me through life... as long as your plans for me don't interfere with trips to Texas to see B.... and please don't interfere with my Tues/Thurs phone calls to her .... and please don't put anybody in my life that might need love or time or attention that I'd rather direct to B, no matter how badly they might need me..."

I'm so embarrassed to admit that I've been giving God conditions under which I'll follow and obey.

It's not the me I want to be. =)