TDAY: A shocking loss

Saturday, October 20, 2012

I was folding the whites when I heard my phone buzzing.  I almost didn't answer it because I *never* manage to finish folding the whites and Christopher is forever giving me grief about it. 

When I answered Al's call, I was surprised to hear Stanton's voice. Al was in Waco to spend time with B and Stanton and the kids, but it still didn't feel right.  He started talking and shared news that brain just didn't comprehend. 

Al's dad.  Al's Dad.  Al's DAD who was, based on the stories and jokes and complete devotion, a one-in-a-million father.  He passed away suddenly.  All I could do was pray, but my words were mute compared to the groaning of my heart. 

The days and weeks that followed were sorrow-filled.  All of us, and particularly Caroline, struggled to understand.  Al was so thoughtful even in her own moment of crisis to send updates on the arrangements and mail us a card from the funeral Mass.  It helped Caroline tremendously to have a momento that she could look at, and hold, and ask questions about.  We spent several nights in a row looking through these photos, with special attention paid to the wedding shots (obviously).


I struggle with this just as much today as I did a year ago. 

TDAY: The last doctor's visit

October 11, 2012

I flew to Dallas with my 3 month old, let my dad give me the best batteries money can buy for my pump, and handed my son over for the day to the only other person in the world who was feeling what I was feeling.

While She was standing firm and laughing loud in the parking lot, something dissipated in the 2 minute trip to the hospital.  Within 5 steps of the car, She stumbled.  There were people there to help in a flash, and for the rest of the day She sported a bright yellow bracelet with "FALL RISK" emblazoned on it.

Aren't we all? Aren't we all at constant risk of a great fall? I couldn't get that out of my head all day, and it still echos in my heart each time I think of that time.

The appointments and scans and labs went faster than I realized.  I thought there would be time to sit and think and absorb it all... and pump.  There wasn't.  Only time for He and I quickly compare notes - we'd gotten quite good at that over the past 16 months though.... comparing notes to get the most holistic picture of the situation that we could.

The final appointment was the only one that ran late.  I didn't want to think about why the Dr was running late.  Was it awful news for another family?  Extra time reviewing the scan that mattered most?  Some other treacherous task that I didn't even realize was part of this life the Dr lived?

We laughed awkwardly.  I told a story that later made me cringe... just the type of family update that we had always exchanged as naturally the next breath.  But this story was about my daughter's apparent fascination with people who meet tragic endings.  Marilyn Monroe, Buddy Holly, Anne Frank, Amelia Earhart.  I laughed a bit at how odd it was, and then met their heavy eyes.

It was so apparent to everyone but me... this journey was far reaching, and was impacting my daughter in ways I hadn't anticipated.  For me it was surprising - because it didn't occur to me at any point that this story would have a tragic ending.   But there was only knowing wisdom in Her eyes.  No hurt.  No embarrassment.  No frustration.  Only a deep, deep love, and a desire for me to understand things the way She already did.

The Dr came, and the news was swift.  I pray the Lord will etch into my heart the words, the tone, the sounds, the smells, and the feel of Her firm grasp of my hand.  I pray he'll etch it into my heart because I won't ever be able to speak of or write about the specifics of the conversations and prayers that followed.

The drive home was long and deafening quiet, but those two hours were enough to think...and plead...and regroup. 

The rest of the evening was filled with prayer, praise, and professions of faith that were perfectly suited to Her.  And on October 12, 2012, the sun rose again.

Holy Smokes... She's two hands old

Or, as she keeps informing us, she's "zero-teen".

Homeward Bound...The trip that never ends

I’m writing this on the road back to Indianapolis (*but obviously not posting it until 2 months later*), hoping desperately that we’ll actually make it home before “tomorrow”.  We’ve only stopped twice so far, but they were both 25 minute stops.

C:  My tummy hurts.

MA:  That’s what you get for eating a burger from McD’s.

C:  I don’t think it was the burger.  That burger was the most delicious one I’ve ever eaten.  I think it was the fries.

MA:  Really?  How so?

C:  You know how fries can come two ways?  They’re either really delicious, or they…. taste like gasoline?  Well these tasted like gasoline.

ba-hahahahaha!  This girl runs hot and cold, things are either perfect… or they taste like gasoline!

I’m a little sad that our first family-of-four road trip is coming to a close, but I am excited to be home tonight.  Not for the usual reasons that I hear about or express myself on occasion … the bed, coffee maker (espresso maker, actually), food, company, and work were all completely satisfactory on this trip.  I mostly miss my dog.  And also the ability to put Everett in his crib and let him fuss a bit to fall asleep on his own without waking a hotel full of people. Finally, it has felt a little strange all week to be on a trip like this without Kayce.  Before we moved, she went on all sorts of road trips with us, and I miss that.  I wish she were able to travel with us.  

It will be good to be home. 

NIAGARA FALLS

Niagara Falls State Park

Cute park, great trams, very nice employees.

 

Maid of theMist

We fought our way to the top deck, only to realize that you cannot see ANYTHING if you’re not on the front row, so we headed to the lower deck where the view was completely unobstructed.  Just a little tip for all you future NF visitors!

Cave of theWinds

We loved both attractions, but this was easily my favorite.  For starters, it’s all about proximity.  I loved walking *right next* to the falls.  I loved being able to reach out and touch the huge boulders that sit at the base of the American Falls.  I loved the deafening sound, the laughter of people all around us, and the near-blinding light that completely surrounds you when the water is spraying in all directions under the blazing sun.  Every once in a while you turn your head and there rainbows right there, close enough to touch!  

I also loved that the Cave experience is self-paced.  You can stay down there as long as you’d like, and Caro and I would have stayed all day if we’d planned better and packed a lunch. We’d have happily eaten soggy sandwiches and played for another hour, but Christopher and Everett were ready for dry clothes and lunch, so we headed back up after about 40 minutes.  I was mostly dry, but only because I had keep the camera dry.  Caroline was completely soaked, and has never been happier.  She stood under the falls and let them spray her and push her side to side, laughing and squealing the entire time.  I couldn’t help but stare and watch as she experienced her greatest joy at the hands of our Creator’s work.  

No fewer than 6 tourists took photos of Everett while we were at Niagara Falls.  One family even had their children pose with him.  Bizarre, but completely and totally representative of our sweet boy’s bright attitude and winning smile.    

MONTREAL: Family Day at the Harbor

Caroline asked to ride the “car bikes” about 437 times when we got to Montreal.  On the 438^th request, we said yes and I thought she might pass out.  The quadricycles were SUPER fun – little 3 seaters with “puppy baskets” on the front for babies (or puppies, I suppose). 

This summer has seen a huge increase in privilege, independence, and responsibility for CaroPop.  This happened to be one of the “privilege” experiences, and we let her drive the bike while Everett rode in the puppy basket, I sat in the middle, and she and Chris sat on the outsides and pedaled.  

This arrangement worked for a little while, but eventually she got a little silly and started steering like we were in bumper cars and almost ran into some pedestrians.  We pulled a switcheroo and Chris steered for a bit, with Caro taking the driver’s seat one more time before we had to return the bikes. 

 

 

As a surprise, we bought a package that came with pedalboats as well.  The pedalboat experience was alarmingly reminiscent of Christopher and I’s lone canoeing experience at Baylor.  Yes, it was that good…. it even included the rare mix of Christopher losing it and cursing the boat, me laughing my head off, and everyone coming to the quick realization that we should NOT venture onto the big loop, but get back to the dock as quickly as we could manage… which was not quick at all.  It may have been my favorite part of the day… years later we still find ourselves in these hysterical situations, but now we’re sharing the laughter with our babies.  =)

I nabbed a Frisbee from the Facebook recruiters early in the week, and we played by ClockTower Beach for a bit.

Christopher did his best Thomas Ellis impersonation.  I have a whole new respect for a) Christi’s faith in Thomas’ ability to throw and catch their babies and b) Christi’s ability to capture the extreme hang time in photos.