Yo quiero queso

I would like someone to build me a sculpture using cheese.

And then I would like to eat it.

That is all. 

He is Worthy

I’m not worthy. 

God has blessed me abundantly, because He loves me.  His blessings are positively more than I can count or name, and I rejoice in the knowledge that someday I’ll learn of all the blessings and protection I received and didn’t even know about!

This morning, I’m particularly overwhelmed by God’s goodness is blessing me with a husband like Christopher.  We have real, true, gritty struggles.  This year has been hard on us.  

Within our home, things have been blissful!  We continue to feel great excitement about our life in Indianapolis, we feel blessed to have a home that meets our needs, we are thankful that we get to eat dinner together every night and go to sleep at the same time, and we stand together in awe as we watch God form our daughter’s heart into something strong and compassionate.  

Forces and events outside our home have been the primary source of stress and exhaustion.  Death and sacrifice and sickness among those dearest to our heart have resulted in times of prayer and worship together, but also times of sadness, frustration, confusion, and isolation.  It has definitely taken its toll, and hindsight has provided the opportunity to reflect on these journeys enough to see that we should have spent more time in worship, reading the Word, fasting, claiming the armor of God, and using any of the other tools God offers on a silver platter to us in times of turmoil and attack.  

Taking all that into consideration, we are bruised.  We are tired.  We are in need of restoration.  We are also incredibly in love, and completely devoted to one another.  

All of this reflection and gooey love stuff was touched off by toothpicks.  Really. 

Tuesday night I realized I wouldn’t have time on Wednesday to go buy groceries between work and picking up Caro and then heading to life group (called “house church” at CG), so Chris offered to go to Kroger while Caro and I did our bible reading.  I was fairly exhausted by the time Chris came home, but I stayed up to chat about our day and hear about his first classes while I put the groceries away.  

Fast forward about 20 hours…Last night I was rushing around the kitchen trying to put together my appetizer contribution for our life group dinner.  Cucumbers? check.  Tomatoes from the garden? check. Feta? check.  Kalamata olives? check.  Toothpicks to put them all together?  ummmm… I know we bought them.  I know I unpacked them.  I remember discussing them with Chris.  Disaster! Cannot find toothpicks ANYWHERE!  No time for another run to the store…not enough regular tiny toothpicks in the regular toothpick holder…not enough creativity to come up with something else in the 7 minutes I have before we leave.  So I text him:

MA:  Where are those toothpicks??!!

CHC:  No answer.

MA:  I need to get these put together!!

CHC:  No answer.

Ugh.  I panic.  I start to get mad.  Then I do what I do when I’m panicked and/or mad… I go to the refrigerator.   As I’m browsing for something that might calm my nerves without being totally gluttonous, I start at the bottom drawer.. the cheese drawer.  Nope, nothing.  Next up… the veggie drawer.  Yeah, no.  Next up… the leftovers shelf… porkchops and/or refried beans don’t seem to be an appropriate choice here.  Next up….

There, in all their plastic multi-colored glory are the toothpicks.  I was thrilled!  I yipped and yayed and put together 32 little toothpick greek salads and Caro and I were off to dinner.  

So, what does this have to do with my marriage or, more specifically, my husband?

I’ll tell you.  This morning we were all exhausted from getting to bed late and then being kept awake for a couple of hours as some really strong thunderstorms moved through.  We all had the grouchies, and we even fell to the temptation to gripe at each other as we were heading our separate ways.  I was steaming mad when I pulled out of the driveway, and he was steaming just as much as he headed to school with Caro and Ruby.  Granted, I had already forgotten what minute infraction had caused all the snipping only 3 minutes earlier.  But that was inconsequential!  I had been unjustly treated!  Ohhhhhh the horror.  ;)

I arrived at work, went to a meeting, chatted with people I don’t know about a topic I’m completely unfamiliar with, grabbed some complimentary coffee, and found a desk to work at.  As I was plugging in all my equipment, I checked the time on my phone and noticed there was an unopened text…

It was from Chris.  It was received 30 seconds after my “Where are the toothpicks?  I need to put these together!” exclamations.  It read…

“Check the fridge.  I think you put them in there.”

Of course I did.  And of course he noticed.  And of course he didn’t question me about it at the time because a) he knew how tired I was and b) he didn’t want to interrupt our conversation.  

He loves me and cares for me.  He’s not oblivious or impervious.  He’s a man.  Sometimes he notices things, and sometimes he doesn’t.  But he almost ALWAYS notices the important things.   I am so so SO blessed to have him as a partner in life.  I know there are other aspects of marriage, and I’m not elevating the “partner” aspect above others.  Today, I am particularly thankful that he is my partner.  When I’m a little slow on the uptake, he’s right there.  I’d like to think I offer him the same respite in his busy days, but no specific examples come to mind.  I guess if I have to think that hard about it, I’m not serving him that way often enough. 

I do love how God works.  I do love how he speaks to us so directly.  I do love how he kindergartens it up for me when I’m not getting the message in more sophisticated ways. =)

“For great is the LORD and most worthy of praise;  he is to be feared above all gods.”  Psalm 96:4

I find myself on an island...

I’m in a tough, painful place. 

I feel incredibly lonely.  Relationships with those I care for/about most are strained and, in some cases, broken. I’m emotionally disconnected from my husband, my daughter, my mother, and my best friend.  If asked about these individually, I could give a laundry list of ways I have felt disrespected, taken for granted, ignored, and/or maligned in the last 2-3 months.  My heart is shutting down and my pride is building walls.  All the while, my rationales for withdrawing are locked and loaded… ready to share others’ transgressions with whoever might ask.  

I’ve cried out to God from this place of solitude and sadness.  I do believe it speaks volumes that I am alone. Not the people I’m withdrawing from.  I can practically hear the Sesame Street song “One of these things is not like the other, one of these things just isn’t the same” as I take a step back and look at my predicament.   On paper it looks simple… if a person finds herself suddenly alone and surrounded by dying relationships, there’s something going on in her heart.  Somewhere along the line I let go of my fleshly desires to always get my way;  the desire to be respected and have my worth acknowledged have only increased though.  I fear I’ve lost sight that my worth lies only in Him – only His acknowledgement straight to my heart should matter. 

I’m still hesitant to let the other pain and scars go. At this point, the attitudes and actions of those closest to me still seem very real.  Not exaggerated or skewed like you sometimes realize upon further reflection.  Maybe this is just a new kind of forgiveness I need to understand.  The kind where I have to forgive just so I can reclaim the ability to take a deep breath without getting a catch in my heart. 

I’m pretty irritated.  And I’m pretty tired of being disrespected. 

I bet God feels the same way.  

I feel hopeful that in turning my focus to honoring and obeying God more fully, these other things might resolve themselves. 

Lord, 

Please forgive me.  I'm so sorry I took my eyes off you.  I'm so sorry I allowed myself to depend on others for the love and security that only you can offer.  I'm so sorry I've built walls between myself and people you've put in my life to care for.  I'm so sorry I've spend moments/hours/days thinking about myself instead of dedicating that time to prayer and reading scripture.  Heavenly Father, your words are such a refreshing fountain of hope!  Your guidance is clear and unwavering.  Even in just writing this prayer, my heart is uplifted with the joy that comes from knowing and seeking you.  Thank you, Lord, for loving me and caring for me and protecting me.  Thank you for blessing me with family and friends that bring great depth to my earthly life.  
             In your precious Son's name, Amen.