It's personal

One of the wonderful things about being part of the body of Christ is the way we all reach out to one another in our times of need.  Sometimes we reach out to offer solutions, sometimes a helping hand, sometimes prayer, and sometimes comfort. 

In the weeks following B's diagnosis (A.D.), there was a beautiful swelling of love and generosity.  I marveled at the generosity of time, talents, financial resources, and especially the words of comfort.  I soaked up every bit of goodness and truth that I could... even when it wasn't directly offered in my direction.  (Hey, if I'm close enough to hear the encouragement, I'm quite likely to absorb it as if it were intended for me.  I'm just nosey that way. =))

Specifically, I was encouraged no less than 30 times to listen to Laura Story's Blessings.  The song is based on a pivotal time in Laura's life when her husband was diagnosed with a brain tumor, and had a difficult recovery.  The song is beautiful, inspired, well-written, and has touched hearts all over the world.  But it didn't touch mine.

 Laura Story:  Blessing

I listened to it every day, every hour it seemed (thanks a lot K-LOVE), but I never ever felt it bring any comfort.  In fact, I started to resent the song, and especially the lyrics "We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love...As if every promise from Your word is not enough....And all the while, You hear each desperate plea...And long that we'd have faith to believe."  She goes on to sing "What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near."

That, from my perspective, does not have a single thing to do with Brandi.  Brandi did not doubt God's goodness.  She did not doubt His love.  She loved His promises and was deeply fulfilled by them.  She had GREAT faith.  She felt God's presence moment by moment.  She communed with her Heavenly Father each and every day, and loved to meditate on His word. 

I still bristle when I hear that song on the radio, and I would love for that to change.  It doesn't serve as comfort for me (though I completely understand why it does for millions of other listeners).  It doesn't make sense to me.  It just doesn't apply, and I feel defensive for B that anyone would think that it does. 

There are 3 worship songs that I do identify very, very personally with... but they don't bring comfort.  They just bring...well...reality.   This song Even If by Kutless started getting heavy airtime last fall.  Every time I would hear it on the radio, I would turn the radio completely off.  I didn't want to hear it.  I didn't want to entertain the possibility that the healing I was pleading for might not come in this life.  I didn't want to be prepared for that. 

Kutless:  Even If

These days, I let the song play.  I let the lyrics sink in. "Even if the healing doesn't come...And life falls apart ...And dreams are still undone ...You are God You are good ...Forever faithful One" 

They don't bring comfort, but they do bring truth, and I do everything I can to let that truth settle into my heart and mind.  Primarily because I trust the truth to take hold and fill up the empty spaces so that lies and fear can't take hold.  
Then there's Natalie Grant's Held.  This song that made me exit the interstate the first time I heard it because my heart identified so strongly with it that I sobbed and shook for 15 minutes.  The lyrics resonate not only with the deep sense of loss I feel for B, but for the great loss I experienced when I was young.  "Who told us we'd be rescued?... This is what it means to be held...How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life...And you survive...This is what it is to be loved and to know...That the promise was that when everything fell...We'd be held."

Natalie Grant:  Held

The message is true.  When we died to self and dedicated ourselves to serving Christ, we did not become impervious to worldly afflictions!  We did not earn an exemption from suffering and pain!  God's promise to us is not a life that is "fair", but that He will carry us through those painful times until we can be whole again in Heaven.

Once again, undeniable truth, but not so much comfort. 

The constant pursuit for relief has left me weary and exhausted.  As Tenth Avenue North puts it... I'm Worn.

Tenth Avenue North:  Worn 

"I’m Tired, I’m worn...My heart is heavy...From the work it takes...To keep on breathing"
...
"I know I need to lift my eyes up...But I'm too weak...Life just won’t let up...And I know that you can give me rest...So I cry out with all that I have left"
...
"My prayers are wearing thin...Yeah, I’m worn...Even before the day begins...Yeah, I’m worn...I’ve lost my will to fight...I’m worn...So, heaven come and flood my eyes"
...
"Let me see redemption win...Let me know the struggle ends...That you can mend a heart...That’s frail and torn...I wanna know a song can rise...From the ashes of a broken life...And all that’s dead inside can be reborn...Cause all that’s dead inside will be reborn"

That sums me up pretty perfectly tonight. 

What I've discovered (and what I want to write about and remember and hold fast in my heart) is that even though we were all united in our prayers, united in our trust in the one true God, united in our petitions for Brandi's healing, united in our desire for her family to be well and whole... comfort is still an incredibly personal pursuit.  It looks different for each of us.

 I'm thankful so many people have found comfort in the worship songs that God inspired those talented musicians to write and compose.  I'm ready....I'm ready to see what comfort looks like for me.