I do not have an appreciation for things left unfinished. If Gary Chapman were to rewrite his incredibly inspired book, The 5 Love Languages**, I would petition heavily for a sixth language... Completeness.
For example...
- When Caroline leaves for school in the morning, my only prompt to her is "Doors and Drawers?". I honestly couldn't care less what's on her desk or floor, but open closet doors and dresser drawers drive me bananas.
- I know that part of my weight struggle is directly related to my need for the meal process to be complete... finished. If I'm full but there are two bites left on the plate, I eat them anyway because I feel anxious looking at the almost perfectly clean plate.
- We often spend an entire day doing laundry because I want the entire task to be finished for at least a small portion of time. This often means I'm walking around the house at 10pm of laundry day, scouring drawers and closets for anything dirty that I can throw in the washing machine with the dishtowels and dinner napkins just to know that for a brief time, the laundry for our entire home is complete.
- I find myself at the grocery store or WalMart at 2am more often than I'd like to admit because I forgot to pick something up and I can't sleep until the task is finished and crossed off my list.
Today, I've been sitting in a place of unrest and discomfort. Check-out time is fast approaching, and I don't feel like I've accomplished the task I set out for myself. I'm still sad. I'm still in state of disbelief. I'm still trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do next. I'm getting more anxious by the minute, and it's beginning to occur to me that I may be in this state for the rest of my life..
This is a part of my "forever life" now. I am only beginning what will be a lifetime of searching for understanding. I will never, ever understand why Brandi had brain cancer. I will never, ever understand why she wasn't healed. I will never, ever know what to do with the part of my heart that is dedicated to her.
I have to believe that God has placed this in my heart so that I will never stop yearning for Him. That the pursuit of completeness will become synonymous with the pursuit of Him.
__________________
** If you haven't read this book, I highly recommend it. It's geared specifically toward couples, but I think it's essential for almost every relationship you have in your life. Brandi and I have had many, many discussions about our love languages, and it helped us love each other deeply and intentionally in the ways we express and receive love best. The 5 Love Languages for Children is also phenomenal. With a daughter who seems to have been created with an entirely different emotional roadmap than my own, it's been an important tool as I learn to see her as an individual and love her accordingly.
No comments:
Post a Comment